My 5 Month Old

I haven't made a post in awhile. I don't really know why either. I have just been feeling overwhelmed lately trying to figure out how I'm going to go to school, work, and take care of Camden the way I want him cared for. If I could snap my fingers and have anything I wanted I would want to be a stay at home mom so I wouldn't have to miss a minute of anything. I think I was meant to be a mom. On a different note, Camden is now five months old and he amazes me every minute. He is so aware of everything that's around him. He grabs toys and tries to put everything in his mouth. We have yet to start solids and I think he is quite content with just a bottle right now.

I can't believe next month he will be half a year old. It has gone by way too fast. It kind of scares me how fast it's going. I feel like if I close my eyes he's already going to be a year old. Camden had his first Christmas this month and he was spoiled like crazy. He has more toys and clothes than any 5 month old possibly needs. 

Last Year

One year ago today I was scared to death of what my life would be like on this date today. I knew I was going to have a baby, but I had no idea what that meant then. Camden's dad had just left, my dad didn't want me having a baby alone, and no one else knew I was pregnant besides my best friend. Waking up was a constant struggle for me, I would sit and spend my days scared and alone with no one to talk to. The only reason I'm writing about this now is to remind myself how far I have come from last year. This has been one of the hardest, most stressful, but amazing and beautiful years of my life. I have my son to thank for all of that, for who I am right now. The truth is, the only thing that got me through the year was him. I remember putting my hand on my not so big baby bump last year and telling Camden that I would be enough for him, good enough, strong enough, just enough. People always say how they feel sorry for me, that I'm doing it alone, but I'm not. If I wasn't doing this by myself I would probably be the same person I was last year, selfish, always caring what other people thought, relying on other people to make feel better. Sometimes you need a little struggle to find out how strong you can really be.

Baby Fever

I feel like I'm twenty five, maybe older. I never really wanted the whole college party life experience. I want the married, cooking my husband dinner, having a family kind of experience, and I want it now. I know it will be a long time before I get that because there is no one my age mature enough to want that and I have to keep reminding myself I am only 18. I don't know if it's just baby fever that I'm feeling or if I'm just dying to have a family, but I can't wait for it. Maybe I should buy another puppy...

Sitting Up

Yesterday was awful. Camden is still sick and it's not getting any better. He was overly clingy and cried all day long. He woke up at 4 in the morning and wouldn't take a bottle, he just wanted to be held and wanted me to do it standing up apparently. So there I was running on two hours of sleep walking back and forth in my room with a crying baby, it's times like that I wish I had just a little bit of help. I tried to get him to take a nap but he just wasn't having it. By the time I realized it, it was ten at night and I hadn't eaten or showered all day (or changed out of my pajamas). Camden even sounds sick, his cry sounds raspy. I have to do some research on how to clear a baby's sinuses because obviously the steam from the shower did not help and neither did the nasal aspirator, that just pissed him off. I know I should probably get a humidifier, but I am tapped out of money from Christmas and Camden drinking formula like it's going out of style.

I thought when I put him to bed last night that I would be having a long sleepless night, but I guess all the crying during the day wore him out because he slept until 6 this morning. Thank god, because I definitely needed that extra rest. 

On another note, Camden sits up so well now. He still needs a little help by holding on to my fingers but otherwise it is all him. My guess is in a few weeks he will be sitting by himself without the help of a pillow or my hands. I can't believe my baby is sitting up, It's a little sad to think about I don't want him to grow up too fast. What's even scarier is that Camden is now putting a lot of pressure on his legs.

He loves to stand up. He actually throws a fit if I try to lie him on his back anymore. I was getting worried because for awhile he wouldn't put any pressure on his legs at all, but one morning he woke up and could all of a sudden stand for a could 15-20 seconds (with my help of course) 

Battling A Cold

Camden is still battling this cold of his. It is making it very hard for any sleep for either of us. Since I usually co sleep with him I feed him his bottle in the bed, it just makes it easier on both of us. He was having trouble taking his bottle because he can't breathe through his nose and he was getting frustrated every time he would have to stop eating to take a breath. After he was done eating he starting coughing because he doesn't understand he has a stuffy nose and he threw up all over me and my clean sheets. So at 2 in the morning I had to strip the bed, put on new sheets change my clothes and clean him off. I'm going to try sitting him in the shower to see if the steam helps clear his nose because I want to avoid giving him medication by any means.

You wouldn't even know he was sick by looking at him because he is always smiling and laughing. 

Future Children

Having Camden has really changed my outlook on life and parenting. I never thought I would be one of those crazy everything has to be all natural type of parent, but that is what I am turning in to. I am already thinking about things that I plan on doing for the next pregnancy I have (not that it will be anytime soon). I know next time I give birth I want a home birth. Call me crazy I know, but giving birth was such an amazing experience that I want it to go exactly how I want it and I didn't get that in the hospital. I'll just take a minute to explain everything I didn't like about my hospital experience. The first thing they did was hook me up to an IV. They didn't even ask me my birth plan. What if it was in my birth plan that I wanted an all natural birth and to be able to walk around during labor? I wouldn't have been able to. The next thing they did was tell me they were breaking my water. I was only 3 centimeters dilated and they already wanted to break my water. Again, if I wanted a natural birth and with no medical intervention, then that just went out the window because you can only go 24 hours after your water has broken before infection becomes a problem. The next thing they did was put me on pitocin, which speeds up labor. It's given to induce labor as well. Why would I need pitocin? I was already in labor and progressing on my own so why were they trying to speed the process up? My body is made to labor itself after all, but not knowing any better I agreed. I also had two different nurses when laboring, if I was to have a home birth I would have 2 midwives there (which is what I want to go to school to do) and it would be very personal because the midwives are who give me my prenatal care throughout my pregnancy. Then when I was ready to push, they paged the doctor. It took him 25 minutes to get into the room. Needless to say He almost missed the birth of my son. I want to be able to push when I want to and let my body do what it was made to do. I almost forgot about the fighting during my pushing. My doctor and nurse got into a fight while I was pushing, great timing guys. The nurse and the doctor were literally screaming at each other about something not being sterile while I was delivering Camden. What a great environment to bring my child into, right? Then after he was out they didn't even let me see him right away! I could understand If he had some sort of complication or if he wasn't breathing, but I had a normal birth and he was healthy. I want to be able to have that instant bond and connection with my son right away, I want to be the first one my future children see, not some nurse. I know the next birth I have will be at home. I also know next time I  have children I won't want to know the sex before their born. There are so few surprises in life and I want their gender to be one of them.

 I have really considered cloth diapering. Not with Camden, because I didn't look into it before he was born and honestly, I don't have the money to invest in that right now, but with future children I will really consider it. Again, I never thought I would be this type of parent, but having Camden has really changed my outlook of everything. Know better do better, right? 

4 Month Checkup

I took Camden to his 4 month check up yesterday. I finally got his insurance card in the mail so I turned that in to the doctor's office so they can stop sending me bills I can't afford. Speaking of mail, since I had Camden I literally get bills in the mail about him everyday, when peoples say babies are expensive they were not talking about diapers and formula. Anyways, they weighed Camden and he has officially doubled his birth weight. He weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces at birth and weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces when we left the hospital, He now weighs a whopping 14 pounds 11 ounces. He's now also 24 inches long which is a little under average, but that's what he gets for having a mom that barley hits five foot, but nothing is average about this boy's huge head! his head is 44 centimeters. I asked the pediatrician if this was normal and he said it was in the 90th percentile, so his head is bigger than 90 percent of the babies his age. When the doctor saw my face he covered it up by saying it just means he is going to be really smart. I'm just glad his head wasn't that big when he was born. He also got 4 vaccines when we were there. I've been doing some research about vaccines and I'm considering doing a delayed vaccine schedule instead of the recommended schedule, but this time he did get all 4 vaccines. He napped a lot during the day so I knew we were not going to have a very good night. He woke up at eleven crying for no reason and didn't want a bottle so I just let him lay in bed with me. Then I realized he had a stuffy nose and every time he tried to take a deep breath he would start coughing. I felt so bad. He could have caught a little cold from me because I did have a stuffy nose the past few days, but I can't help but think maybe the shots gave him a little virus, which is another reason I'm thinking about delaying his shots. I will have to do some more research before making a final decision about it. The doctor also told me I can start him on solids, which I have decided not to do. I'm waiting until He is at least six or seven months old before even thinking about anything besides formula for him. The pediatrician was perfectly okay with that, I'm glad I found a doctor for Camden that agrees with all my beliefs and parenting decisions. I can't believe Camden is four months old. I feel like I have had him my whole life, I can't even remember life without him, but I feel like he was just a newborn baby a few days ago and now he almost sits up by himself. I cannot wait for what the next few months will bring

Difficult Decisions

I always try to make the best decisions for Camden and I think I do a good job at it. I research everything, I look up statistics, I do everything in my power to give Camden the best of everything. Almost all decisions I have had to make for him have come easy, except the one I had to make about child support. I decided to not go for child support and it was an emotionally draining decision. The hardest part about making that decision is that no one agrees with me on it, and with no support to begin with it's been making me constantly question my choice, and I hate that.

When I was pregnant I always planned on getting child support, because after all he does deserve it, but getting child support means that Camden's "dad" could possibly get visitation of him and that's not something I want to risk. All I wanted when I was pregnant was for Camden's dad to be there and take responsibility and give my son the father figure he deserved, but the moment I held Camden for the first time I knew he could never do that. I want my son to have a stable family life, something I never really had. I want him to grow up with two parents who get along and not be bounced from house to house, and honestly, I didn't know if Camden's dad would file for visitation just because he was bitter about having to pay money for a child he never wanted. 

I only started to question myself when my family started making comments about it. They told me I was being selfish and not giving Camden the best life I could and that's the opposite of what I was trying to do. What kind of life would Camden have if his dad was involved? He would grow up knowing who is dad was, yes, but he would also grow up knowing his dad never wanted him or wanted to be involved in all of this. He would grow up seeing his dad once a year, if that, because he lives out of state. After reading all I wrote it just reassures me this is the right decision, but it doesn't make it any easier having everyone tell me it's the wrong one. I know this means things may be harder for me, raising Camden because I'm going to have to work twice as hard now to provide for him, but I'm willing to do that if it means giving him the life he deserves.

I know Camden will thank me one day for making this difficult decision. 

Stages

I cannot believe this week Camden will be 4 months old. I feel like he was just a newborn baby the other day and now hes rolling over and laughing. As much as I miss the newborn stage (and all the sleeping newborns do) I am loving every minute of the new stages he's going through. Camden's current favorite activities are trying to put everything in his mouth, pulling hair, and screaming. This stage is going to be great...

Camden slept better than usual last night. He woke up at 4 and I fed him and he went right back to sleep. Of course he still isn't sleeping in his crib which means I'm not getting much sleep because he rolls around so much in bed with me. I put him in his swing while I took my shower and when I got out he was on his stomach swinging. Looks like I'll have to strap him in there from now on. I then managed to get all his bottles washed, with one hand I might add and then we headed off to the mall. He always seems to be very well behaved when we go out anywhere. I don't know if it's because of all the noise and the people but he never cries when were out. I'm thinking I need to leave the house more often then. 

Tomorrow is going to be Camden's first Thanksgiving. I still can't get over how big he's getting. 

For The First Time

When was the last time you saw something for the first time? I mean really saw something. Every time Camden sees something for the first time I glow with pride. Today he saw his mobile for the first time. I mean he sees it everyday when I put him in his crib, but today he really saw it and was absolutely fascinated by it. The look on his face literally put me to tears. My sweet innocent newborn (not so much anymore) baby was starting to actually see things for the first time. As I turned the mobile his eyes followed the little teddy bear as it went in a circle. I think I was getting more entertainment watching him than he was getting from the mobile.

If he is this fascinated by a mobile I can't wait until he sees snow for the first time, or better yet feels it. The first time he steps on leaves, the first time he sees a bee. The list can go on of things I can't wait for him to see. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing your child do something for the first time. It literally amazes me. I created this beautiful baby, with his own personality, who can actually see things and feel things. Okay I know it's not that amazing people make babies all the time, but unless you experience it first hand, you won't understand it.

I think I'm starting to get this multitasking thing down finally. At first it was a little overwhelming. I had no idea how I was supposed to shower, do laundry, wash bottles, change diapers, and clean the house all while watching a baby. Yesterday, I did all of those things in just a few hours, without even a sound from Camden. I even had time to take the dog outside a few times. It felt really good to know that I did all of those things without the help from anyone. Well I did get some help from his new doorway jumper. Now I have to start it all over again today. I am in love with my crazy, stressful, overwhelming, amazing life. Take that everyone who said I would be miserable after having a baby. 

Thick Skin

Usually the things people say doesn't bother me. I have developed some pretty thick skin between all the hate I got being pregnant and after having Camden, but it always seems to get to me when people judge my parenting on my age. Age does not define how good of a mother I am. I hate being put into this category of teen mom because everyone has assumptions about what young mothers are like.

Having Camden has taught me not to judge people so quickly because it has been done to me so many times. I will happily take all the criticism I have gotten because I wouldn't change anything about having my son, he is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Best Friends

Camden has a new best friend, Lola. Lola is my sister's dog that I babysit everyday and she spends the nights sometimes. I know it sounds weird to say I babysit a dog, but really she needs a babysitter. She is a bit of a high maintenance dog.Camden and Lola love each other though. Lola is so protective over him, if he starts crying she immediately jumps up and runs over to him to see whats wrong, or she will come and get me to tell me he's upset.

Last night Lola was spending the night and of course she wanted to sleep in bed with me, which usually isn't a problem, but Camden wanted to bed share as well. I have a twin sized bed and let me just say, it was not comfortable sharing a bed with those two. Lola snuggled up right next to Camden with her head laying on his stomach and they looked too cute to move, so I ended up sleeping half off of my bed. At first watching the dog everyday was a bit of a hassle, it was like having two babies around, but now Lola keeps Camden distracted when I need to get something done.

Spoiled Baby

It is officially November which means time to start buying for Christmas. I know Camden is only going to be 5 months old on Christmas (well almost) but I can't help but buy everything for him. I want him to wake up to a million presents for him under the tree, not that he'll know the difference. First present on my list to buy him, a jumper. He loves to be bounced on my knee and thrown in the air so I know he is going to love being in a jumper and we have a huge doorway for him to do it in.

Camden has officially found his voice. He loves to be talked to and he is not afraid to talk back. He makes all sorts of noises, including screams and giggles. If I put him in front of a mirror he will talk for an hour to himself. He has been craving stimulation lately. You can't just put him down somewhere because he wants to be played with. I never mind playing with him and talking to him but it can get a little overwhelming when I'm trying to wash bottles or take a shower. 

There is always something to wash or clean with a baby, especially Camden. He goes through at least 5 outfits a day. It seems like every time I put something on him, he spits up on it or pees on it. At least I am getting good use out of all of the clothes he has. He is three months old and he has more clothes than me and after Christmas I can only assume it's going to double. I guess that's what happens when you're the only boy in a family. Everyone wants to shower you with gifts. Can't say I'm complaining. 

Sleepless Nights

Camden is going through so many phases right now, needless to say I have been getting zero sleep.He used to be the perfect baby. He slept through the night in his crib for 8 hours at a time. He only cried when he was hungry, and never stopped smiling or cooing. This past two weeks he has been a completely new baby. Camden hates to be alone. If I leave the room for even a few seconds he starts crying. He needs to see people at all times. I put him in the car yesterday and he instantly started screaming the minute I closed the door and was out of sight. I dread getting him to bed at night because he has been getting up every two hours wanting to lay in bed with me and sharing a twin size bed is not easy.

I also think he is teething. Usually babies start teething between 4 to 7 months. I have read a million and one parenting books and they never talk about how bad it is. Camden wants to eat every hour to two hours, even throughout the night. He doesn't want to nap, he is chewing on absolutely everything and is crying for hours and is impossible to console. I feel so bad because I know that his gums hurt and there is nothing I can do to help. I don't believe in giving him any medication and he won't take a teething ring. I just keep telling myself this phase will pass soon and he will be back to his happy self.

On a happier note Camden is hitting so many new milestones. He is rolling over both ways now, although he still doesn't tolerate tummy time. He is grabbing at toys and follows toys with his eyes if you move them. I just started teaching him some sign language. we are currently working on the signs milk and more. I want to teach him a few more, but I think for now we will stick with those two. 

The Reality Of It All

I have had so many people tell me I make being a mom look easy, but there are so many things people don't see. Taking care of a baby is not hard. I can handle the up all nights, and the diaper changes, and constant feedings. It's the emotional impact a baby has on your life that is difficult. It is emotionally draining. I wake up daily wondering if I am making all the right decisions for my son, trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him when he's older why he doesn't have a dad, and dealing with the lonliness that comes with being a single mom. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself and my parenting decisions to everyone just to get out of the category "teen mother."

Being a mom has changed a lot of relationships in my life, some that needed mending and some that I wish I could get back. Camden has brought my family a lot closer. My sister and me actually talk, we go out together, My mom and I can have a conversation for longer than ten minutes without screaming, my grandma comes over at least once a week. Camden has kind of been the glue in the family we were lacking to bring us all together. 

But, it is so difficult to keep relationships with people my age. I think I have trouble keeping relationships with people my age because I can't relate to them anymore. There is only so much "baby talk" some people can take before they get bored of it I guess. I try to keep up with friends I had before Camden, but in the end we are just at two different places in our life and all we can manage is a quick "how's everything going?" before the conversation dies, but I expected it would be this way when I got pregnant anyways. No matter how difficult it gets, I wouldn't change a thing. Having Camden made me the person I always wanted to be, he makes me proud of who I have become. 

I find myself taking interest in things i never thought i would before. I love photography, maybe it's just because I have something (or someone) to take pictures of now, but i was never interested in it before having Camden. I also love anything crafts related. I want to paint and sew and do anything that involves being a "homemaker" I guess. I also decided what I really want to go to school for. I always wanted to be in healthcare that will never change, but I want to become a certified nurse midwife. I would help woman during labor, or woman seeking a home birth. I guess it's easy to say my child saved my life. I feel like I was born to be a mom.